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That it is, especially for the formerly anonymous PGA Tourists who recognize a golden opportunity when they see it, and cash in. The trophy wife, a copper bracelet, some magnets, an economy-sized carton of Epsom salts; throw in a few top 10 finishes and life on the "Mulligan Circuit" must be fine indeed.
The rest of us are left with the unhappy prospect of more time to play golf and less skill to play it with.
The authors do their cheery best but there's no denying gravity, lethargy and a decelerating golf swing. So many very good players pack it in when their games no longer sparkle. They must know something.
Billy Casper suggests giving the long putter a go. We're urged to stretch and get serious about staying in shape. "Stay within Yourself." [As opposed to…what exactly?]
A Dr. Kibler, orthopedic surgeon in Kentucky, runs us through the pain chart. Handy this. Level 1: "hurts after you've exercised but goes away by the next day." Level 2: "develops during the a round …but doesn't interfere with the way you swing." Level 4: "…severe even when you aren't exercising."
Here we go gang! Feeling good?
Seriously, the advice offered on a host of health and fitness topics would be well taken by any golfer. One can't help thinking, however, that if they wouldn't listen at 20-30-40, with respect to basic lifestyle issues, is there any reason to expect the big 5-0 will make any difference? Who can say. Yoga? Birkenstocks? Eating sensibly? Tofu? Bring 'em on.
The subject reminds me of the pro with a student who wanted a shorter swing. "Just wait," the teacher said, the inference being that time would cure that flappy swing.
A most novel drill comes from Charles Sorrell, an old sage from Georgia. "Don't Bruise the Apple" is to help with timing and rhythm. Place an apple in the bottom of a sock and swing it like a club. With a correct backswing, the sock should softly touch the area between the shoulder blades. Same on the follow-through. "If you're an average senior golfer in reasonably good health," Charlie bucks us up, "you should carry the ball 220 to 225 yards off the tee." Hello, senior tees!
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A Season in Dornoch
Golf and Life in the Scottish Highlands
By Lorne Rubenstein
Simon & Schuster, 2001
ISBN: 0-7432-2336-5 $23.00
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The Highlands, golf's spiritual epicenter, have long provided sustenance to the golfer and the bard. The romanticizing is understandable. Reflection comes easily amidst such grand natural beauty and lingering sadness.
Beyond the demands of a package tour, golfers are lucky to glimpse present-day Scottish life, let alone come away with an appreciation of its past.
Largely glossed over in the golf/travel milieu, Scottish history makes a deserving story line. Nowhere else is golf so inextricably linked to the character of its citizens, a place where golf and life fit in the same sentence.
The author takes up temporary digs in Donald Ross's hometown. There's the superlative links; his wife comes along and they stay long enough to do the dishes, shop the high street, visit in pubs and homes and walk the beaches, graveyards and villages - as well as fairways - long enough to take deep breaths and let the mind reach beyond the scorecard.
His interest in an unfortunate period of forced relocations known as 'the Clearances' helps quell poetic excess. We get a very readable, reasoned tour bound to swell the jealous golfing heart. Inevitably, we learn about his game, infested by tetchy modern neuroses. These are cured if, frankly, it is hard to muster prolonged sympathy for a five handicap.
Perhaps Dornoch is far enough away, on many levels, to survive discovery. Madonna's been and nearby is Andrew Carnegie's homestead, the luxurious resort, Skibo Castle. Donald Ross called the Dornoch links: "…the most beautifully situated links in the world, and…no American golfer should omit to go there, where he will find the best golf, a royal welcome and no rabble." Two out of three these days is pretty good. Hopefully, the rabble is being kept in check.
Expect golf in "full conditions," a wonderfully characteristic Scottish euphemism for weather unfit to launch ships. We're also treated to observant insights into the pleasures of a game so few get to savor.
"You had the shape of the shot, didn't you?" a local admires one of the author's better 2-irons. "I think the secret of playing these courses," he adds, "is you have to see the shot…see it in the air and landing on the ground and rolling, and then translate that into your swing." Aye. Pass the single malt.
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The Art of Golf Antiques
An Illustrated History of Clubs, Balls, and Accessories
By Gil King
In cooperation with the USGA Museum
Courage Books, 2001
ISBN: 0-7624-0990-8 $19.98
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Eye candy, the insides are pure Fluffernutter. This would be appropriate as a child's introduction to the splendors of golf history; it takes me back to those halcyon days by the hearth leafing through American Heritages, but there are some big league problems.
Given the USGA's apparent cooperation, some of the content is mind-boggling. Most egregious: a full-color spread of the "history of the golf ball" faux collectible. Golf House has booty akin to the Forty Thieves and we get a close-up of a $49.95 imitation?! Are you kidding me?
Sadly one of the game's more notable works of art, the marvelous depiction by John Charles Dollman of "The Sabbath Breakers" is heinously cropped. Why? This is an oversized book. There should be room enough. And who let those cheesy whiskey decanters in? Woo boy.
As primers on golf history go, there are so many full-bodied and substantive alternatives from the coffee table genre: about Hogan, Jones, general history, famous courses, Scotland, balls, etc., many of them reviewed on THR - they almost always offer good value and fun, and can often be had at generous discounts.
Inexplicably, a modern TopFlite (conveniently chewed up to hide the logo?) ends up in a photo with this caption: "Assortment of antique clubs, balls, trophies, and scorecards [also modern] guaranteed to draw the collector's eye." What we see: a few classic woods, a common hickory club, some balls that could've come from a bag at the Goodwill and the top half of an overturned pewter mug. Fascinating.
No one reads the text in coffee table books but perhaps that's as it should be. "The beginnings of golf in Scotland portray a game that was clearly one of royals…" To a point, but the evidence suggests otherwise. As Darren Kilfara points out in his book on St. Andrews, the famous edict banning golf and archery practice in 1457 was directed at those far lower on society's ladder. Skilled as they might be, archers were on the front lines, an indication of a soldier's expendability then as now.
Were golf solely a royal pastime we wouldn't be playing it today. I did enjoy the splendid, if obligatory, wide angle shot from the Swilcan Burn looking towards the R&A clubhouse. Funny that no one thought to remove the litter alongside the bridge before taking the photo, but in this case one takes truth wherever one can find it.
As pleasing as it is to run across someone with an appreciation for Professor Strunk's tenet that "vigorous writing is concise," it's at least as much fun reading along and picking out obvious objects of the author's scorn.
A partial list: popular music, post Sinatra; "fern joint" restaurants; the Old Course Hotel; Florida gated communities, "in place to protect homeowners from muny golfers and help pizza deliverymen find the right neighborhoods, which all look alike but have different names;" PGA Tour security directed against writers; women in checkout lines ("Then out comes the checkbook, or the coupons, or the coins, and sometimes all three. And there goes ten more minutes. Coins are the real killer.") So it goes: a never-ending run of wry tough guy Bob & Ray bits, humorous and telling, especially if you cotton to his view of the world.
The characters are near enough to the surface to be believable, including the occasional "gizzard-lip, stuck-for-an-answer looking guy in a checkered sport coat, and a pale, lumpy bimbo in a short black skirt, pink satin blouse, and black high heels." Close enough. Paint the picture, put them in play and we're off and running.
Anyone interested in the tour beyond the "These guys are good" façade will enjoy tagging along.
The gravy comes in the form of the insights accumulated from his years on the beat. When he suggests: "Nobody in pro golf reads the money list closer than ex-wives," or that: "you have to think you're supposed to win the U.S. Open - that you deserve to win - in order to win it," you could argue but you'd probably be wrong. This is inside skinny from the best of authorities, likely culled from the tablet of pro golf commandants dating back to his relationship with Hogan.
All that, a spirited, fast-moving yarn and a happy ending: not just one of your golf fiction "K-mart par" reads, no indeed.
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Foursome the Spider
By Larry Nestor
Illustrations by Michael Glenn Monroe
Sleeping Bear Press, 2001
ISBN: 1-58536-079-1 $15.95
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The Who had Boris the Spider. E.B. White had
his beloved Charlotte. Golfing rug rats may come to cherish the exploits of Foursome, an argyle-bedecked cute little thing. Rescued from the 18th hole, he pioneers the game amongst the insect inhabitants of a well-tended nature center.
He's a bit erratic with the driver but is most fortunate to have inquisitive and understanding neighbors. Even after violently disrupting a tea party thrown by some matronly ladybugs, he is exonerated, thereby receiving a far more benevolent treatment than could be expected from human equivalents who, in similar straits, often find themselves hung out to dry by gated community associations, or, worse, in court.
Foursome expresses genuine regret over his foibles. He assures the ladybugs he didn't mean to strike their mushroom, topple their teapot and send them scrambling. "Well, you were way off," they huff.
Foursome gets weepy but the whole thing is smoothed over. The spider whose interest in the game apparently supersedes eating his insect neighbors is surprisingly hailed for bringing everyone together. Well done, spider!
The story closes with Foursome given the red carpet treatment - mistakenly by the media who call him the Golf "Bug" (Can't they get anything right?) - as a local hero.
"Mothers, fathers, and children from all around come to watch the Golf Bug and all of his friends having fun playing golf while showing kindness and consideration to all." Even the notoriously distant ants seem interested. No doubt the sequel will have Foursome giving video lessons at $300 an hour.
Light Reading - Edition I
Light Reading - Edition II
Light Reading - Edition III
Light Reading - Edition IV
Light Reading - Edition V
Light Reading - Edition VI
Light Reading - Edition VII
Light Reading - Edition VIII
Light Reading - Edition IX
Light Reading - Edition X
Light Reading - Edition XI
Light Reading - Edition XII
Light Reading - Edition XIII
Light Reading - Edition XIV
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